i just sent this text using only my big toe
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
