just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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