ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
