I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
