Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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