Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
