i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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