I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
