I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
