Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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