he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
