I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
