Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
