There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
