and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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