I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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