Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
