ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
