he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
