i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
