If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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