I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
