So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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