Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
