i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
