I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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