Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
