you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
