i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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