I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
