if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
