im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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