i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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