My underwear smells like fireworks.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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