Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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