I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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