ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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