How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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