I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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