If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
