i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
