I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
