I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
