You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
