Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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