Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
