I think I am morally bankrupt
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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