doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
