Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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