Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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