So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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