Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
