I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
