Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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