I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
