Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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