she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
