I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
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