Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
